Going to The Gym: A Beginner’s Guide

Since it’s the new year, a lot of people will suddenly decide that they need to go to the gym to work off those extra holiday pounds.  I am one of these people, and so far, I’ve actually lost most of my holiday weight.  Huzzah!

But this is much easier said than done, and if you’re a heavier chap like myself, you may feel intimidated by the hot people talking about how hot they look in the mirror

It seems all the women at the gym look like this.

It seems all the women at the gym look like this.


But guess what?  Screw those people!  You’re trying to better yourself and they’re just being jerks!  Maybe.  I dunno, I’m usually a jerk to the jerks.

I go to the gym on a military base, which, as you can imagine, is tons and tons of fit people trying to be better and maintain their military standards, hell, that’s why the gym on base was built.

But for those of us get free access to the gym, who are not the pristine perfection of healthy, here’s a guide.


First and foremost, ignore the grunters.

I was at the gym the other day and I decided to go lift some weights.  I have wings and I really want Michelle Obama’s arms.

Hells. Yes.

Hells. Yes.

But this big muscly guy was sitting behind me doing a machine and I hear him going UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH! PFFFFFFF! AAAAAAAAGH!  While lifting weights.

Here are your options for dealing with this guy.

  1. Ignore him and keep doing your own thing
  2. Inform him that if he is lifting weights that are too heavy for him, he could get a hernia and he should lower the weights
  3. Tell him to knock it off so the rest of the people in there can work out in peace

Personally, I’d go for number two.  They are not expecting this.  This will probably catch the attention of everyone at the gym, and the dude will be so blown away at your audacity to tell him how to work out, he may just stop or tell you to shut the hell up.  Good thing he has weights that are far too heavy for him so you can make a somewhat quick getaway.


Secondly, enjoy the sights.

I love watching muscly people work out.  Mostly the boys.  Seeing grown men running gives me free entertainment.  They know you’re checking them out, and if they ask you to stop staring, just hold eye contact and say “nah, I’m good.”  I do this to my husband all the time and at first he told me to stop, and now he just stares back.

Enough said.

Enough said.


Thirdly, and finally, Don’t take any crap.

If you see those hot gym people snickering at you, go up to them and tell them that it’s okay to be jealous of you because you get to eat food and you have a soul.

Okay, that’s not fair.  They probably do eat.*

Mainly, what I’m saying, is that you need to own your self esteem and act like you’re a 40 year old woman— don’t care about what others think.  You’re there for you, and nobody else.  If you don’t want to go to the gym and sit at home, GOOD FOR YOU!  I’m totally with you.  The only reason I’m trying to lose weight is so I can eventually have kids.  But after the kids come out, I plan on eating cupcakes all day every day.  And donuts.  I love donuts.

Someone get me a donut.


Anyone have any awkward gym experiences?  Any advice for going to the gym when you’re nervous?  I want to hear your thoughts on the matter!


*I feel like I’m being a little harsh on people who go to the gym all the time.  I have a lot of friends who are very active gym goers and they go to the gym so they can eat whatever they want.  I have one friend who could eat ten plates at a buffet, and she’s a major gym goer because she wants to eat like that and keep her figure.  To those people, I salute you, I do not have that kind of dedication.  Also, they do have souls, just not the mean gym goers.  I’ve met nice hot girls who have given me advice at the gym and have been very nice, but I have also had meat heads snicker at me working out and then complain that fat people shouldn’t be allowed to use the base gym.  I’ve had both worlds, this post is mostly referring to the soulless jerks to ruin it for everyone else.