You’re My Aphrodite

Alex and I have decided to save on our water bill by always showering together, so when it was once sexy to shower together, it has turned into more of “HAHA! BOOBS!” and we usually just poke each other’s belly fat while having philosophical conversations never lasting longer than five minutes.

Where Romance Goes To Die

Where Romance Goes To Die

The other day, I must have looked less ragged than normal and Alex smiles at me, kissing my forehead and whispers, “You’re my Aphrodite.”

I’m flattered, and trying to remember my Greek mythology, and trying to not get in trouble for not saying something romantic back, I quickly respond with, “You’re my Hephaestus.”

Dead Sexy for a Troll

Dead Sexy for a Troll

He pushed me away.  “Seriously?  You had a plethora of Greek gods to choose from, and you choose the stupidest god there is?  The one god that everyone on Olympus hates and is always treated horribly unfairly?  Also, the ugliest god on Olympus?  You think I’m ugly?!”

Of course this backfired on me horribly.  We are just no good at this romance crap 

“He was married to Aphrodite!” I protest.

“Yeah, and she cheated on him nonstop with every other fucking god on Olympus!”

“Fine, you’re my Apollo,” I state, thinking that makes it better.  Of course it doesn’t.

“Oh yes, because I’m such a tan, beautiful athlete with a wild temper.  Try again.”

I’m getting frustrated.  “Fine, you’re my Zeus.”

Alex laughs.  “Then you’re my whore of a wife Hera who also happens to be my sister.”

“It’s funny because your sister and I kind of look alike,” I retort, to which he begins to bang his head on the wall of the shower.

“Why do I even try to be romantic anymore?” he asks, then showing himself out of the shower.

And that, my friends, is how I have artfully killed the mood between Alex and I without even trying.

Have you ever had an instance where you’re trying to be sweet back to your significant other and it just totally backfires?  Have you ever called someone a sweet pet name and it was horribly insulting?  Let me know!

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Sing Me The Song Of Your People (Slightly NSFW)

So this happened recently, and I have got to say it was one of funnier moments that I have with Alex. I had the brilliant idea that we should try to spice things up, and this is not my husband’s forte.  There’s nothing wrong with it, but often times it leads to very peculiar situations.

Me: Hey… talk nerdy to me.

Alex: Beg pardon?

Me: Go ahead, sweet talk me with your nerd lingo.

He takes a long pause to consider the situation.  While he is a romantic, having to do it on the spot causes for horribly awkward situations.  After a few moments, he speaks up.

Alex: Baby, I want to put my skyward sword into your water temple.

Me: … What?

Alex: HYAH! HAAAAAHT!

With as much enthusiasm.

He has this costume…

Me: Uh, try again.

Alex, thinking much faster this time, gives a goofy, sexy grin.

Alex: I wanna squirtle on your jigglypuffs. (Then, in a very deep voice) JIGGLY!

Me: Are you going to take this seriously?

Alex: HYAAAH!

I’m beginning to shake my head in wonder and amazement.  I’m trying not to chuckle, because it might encourage him, but my mind begins to race.  How the fuck can I get him to take this somewhat seriously?

Me: How about some role play?

Alex: That’s right up my alley. What class should I be and what level are we starting at?

Me: Class? Level?  What the fuck are you talking about?

He then goes into a very long dialogue about all the different dungeons and dragons classes.  I used to play, but it has been over six years and I’m a little rusty.

Alex:… And I’m going to need to know what level because I need to know if it’s an introduction campaign or if we’re jumping into an epic one. It doesn’t make that much of a difference, but I need to know what kind of established canon we’re getting into before I commit to my guy’s backstory.

Me: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU BABBLING ABOUT?

He looks at me, as if I’ve just asked him how a toilet is supposed to flush. He throws his hands in the air and rolls his eyes at me.

Alex: What. Class. Am. I. Going. To. BE?

Oh sweet fucking Jesus, he’s taking this seriously.

Me: You can be a barbarian….. and I’ll be a Paladin I guess?

To be fair, this is how I see myself anyway.

To be fair, this is how I see myself anyway.

I thought this would work, but I accidently lit another powder keg. Alex goes into another long dialogue, but this time extremely pissed off.  Apparently Paladins are naturally chaste and lawful, not whoring themselves out to other explorers.

I didn’t give it two thoughts, but apparently this is something he thinks about far more often than he should.

So I’m a paladin, level 7.  With huge tits that he can’t touch for two weeks, because of mother fucking roleplaying.

Not only did I not get lucky, but he gave me homework.  I have to read the mother fucking D&D handbook so I can understand his fucking foreplay.

Thanks Gygax.

Dick.

Dick.

Anyone else try spicing things up and have it backfire horribly on you? Any similar situations with talking nerdy? Please tell me I’m not alone.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE.

Craigslist is Bipolar

So after feeling totally shot down with the whole “NO FAT CHICKS!” section of Craigslist, I decided to try to boost my ego and check it again.

Keep in mind, when I checked Craigslist the first time, it was around 90 degrees at night and way hotter during the day.  Recently, it’s actually been chilly with frost on the grass every morning and never getting above 65 during the day.  I thought maybe because heavy women have plenty of insulation, the men would notice this too and think, “Hey!  Fat chicks will keep me warm!”

So, feeling very determined, I decide to scope out Craigslist casual encounters to see what they like.

I was right.

I was so right.

When it’s cold, men like heavy women to keep them warm.  And other fun stuff.

 

Verdict on Louisiana men: Their tastes change with the season, just like women.  Women like skimpy in the summer, fluffy in the winter.  Just like men.

SCORE!

NO FAT CHICKS! (On Craigslist anyway…)

One evening, Alex and I were having a very normal strange discussion.

Alex: How do I know you’re not working and actually finding men to meet? (He says this very sarcastically, as if I’d talk to new people)

Me: Because men don’t like fat chicks here.  It’s not Alaska where fat chicks are the only chicks. *

Alex:  The obesity rate is higher here.

Me: But there are actually women here.  There weren’t women in Alaska.

Alex: This is true, but I bet if you went on Craigslist casual encounters, it would be all “Seeking BBW’s” and you’d have them lining up.

Me: CHALLENGE MOTHER FUCKING ACCEPTED!

 

So, as any normal person would do, I decide to check out the casual encounters page, thinking “Oh he has to be so wrong.”

Where dreams are turned into horror stories

Where dreams are turned into horror stories

 

Dude… I hate when he’s wrong about stuff like this.

I was actually kind of pissed.  After going through over 40 ads and several inappropriate pictures, All but a few of them were “NO FAT CHICKS!”

Excuse me, I’m not fat, I’m just swollen from this GOD FORSAKEN HEAT!

Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to go and gorge myself on cheesecake.

 

*Note: There are actually several insanely hot girls in Alaska.  Most of which are married or taken, all of which have a gun that they shoot very well.  I’ve never met an Alaskan girl who didn’t have a gun, seriously. And the Men to women ratio in Alaska was around 6:1, it was awesome.