Dat Fine Ass

So this happened.

Me: Alex, I may have to leave you.

Alex: Alright, I’ll bite.  What happened?

Me: All these sweet talkers are just sweeping me off my feet.

Alex: Oh?  What are they saying?

Me: Twice today, I had someone say to me, “Damn girl, dat ass is fine.”

Alex: Oh man.

Me: I know, right?  How do I resist the charms of “Dat ass is fine?”  Also, “Damn girl, gimmie yo’ number.”

Alex: I totally understand if you leave.  I can’t compete with that.

Me:  They must have been pretty confident too, considering nobody would even stand up when they hit on me.

Alex:  Damn, I have no idea how I can ever compete with that.

Me: I know.  I’m sorry, but those sweet talkers are just too irresistible.

Alex: Did they even mention dem tits?

Me: Nope, just dat ass.

Alex: What did they do when you said you were married?

Me: Well, one guy just got up and left.  No sorry, no apology, nothing.  Second I said married, he walked out.  The other guy said, “Well damn girl, if that ever changes you look me up.”

Alex:  Well at least they gave up once you pulled the marriage card.

Me: Yeah, because apparently touching a married woman is worse than telling them about dat fine ass.

Alex: Obviously.

All Hail The Lord (Cthulu)

Alex’s best friend was luckily stationed with us here in Louisiana.  Last year, he had to get shoulder surgery because the military messed up his shoulder so bad that he could no longer lift his arms higher than… Well, his shoulder.

Since there are no military hospitals near us, they sent him to a catholic hospital.  When he told us this, we couldn’t help but laugh, because this particular friend is a very avid atheist.  He doesn’t throw it in our faces ever and is incredibly respectful to those who are religious, but it’s not his bag.  Which makes religious debates with him incredibly interesting and not blood thirsty.

He’s also quite a troll.  He loves to just stir the pot on stupid stuff to make others look stupid, which has two side effects: It’s incredibly hilarious to watch him talk to people, or situations get awkward.

Such a troll.

Such a troll.

 

When he was admitted to the catholic hospital, he was given a series of questions to answer, and he told us all about it.  The military first said that he was faking the pain in his shoulder, but they later found that he had huge air bubbles in his shoulder, showing that he was not faking it. The doctors were even surprised at how much pain he must have been in.

Anyways, getting off topic.

When he went in for the surgery, the doctors started asking about references and people to call in case things went south.  The last question the doctor asked caused his troll tendencies to expel in the strongest manner possible.

Doctor: So, what religion are you?

Friend: Cthulu is my lord and savior.  All hail Cthuhlu.

All shall bow down.

All shall bow down.

The doctor, without skipping a beat, begins to write and speaks outloud as he’s writing.

Doctor: Athiest.

Right as they were starting to put him under, the doctor and assistants, nurses I guess, all joined hands around him and said a prayer.

Here’s how it went down, according to the Troll.

Doctors: Heavenly father—

Troll: CTHULHU!

Doctors: We ask that you guide us safely through this surgery to ensure that this young man comes out stronger.  We ask this in your name—

Troll: ALL HAIL CTHULHU!

Doctors: Amen.

He said that shortly after they put him under and he woke up with his shoulder in great shape.  He can even move his arms above his head again.  Which is a relief.

He said he had Cthulhu to thank.

Do you know anyone who is a troll?  Ever have an experience that made others incredibly dumbfounded and weirded out by the stupid shit you say?  Tell me in the comments!

The Laziest Guard Dog Alive

I’ve mentioned before how my Sahara is a fairly lazy dog.

Sahara is a German shepherd mix who is mixed with something that makes her a really lazy dog.  Which makes no sense because the top dogs she could be mixed with include Red Heeler, Corgi and Australian Shepherd.  She’s short and stocky, but has the coloring of a German Shepherd. She’s always been incredibly lazy, but within the last few months, we’re starting to realize just how lazy she is.

Seriously, what the hell is she mixed with?

Seriously, what the hell is she mixed with?

Alex and I are on very opposite shifts.  I’m not working right now, just finished my bachelor’s degree, and Alex has to get up at four in the morning for PT, then he goes to work and is home around three.

Sahara is not a morning dog, and she is not a night dog.  Well, she’s kind of a morning dog, Luna is not a morning dog.  Luna doesn’t wake up before the crack of noon, but then she’s ridiculously hyper the rest of the day.

I’m getting off topic.

Sahara, I’m fairly certain, is an old girl.  She lays around the house, she only moves around a lot of we mention a walk, to which after a few blocks she trips you until you start heading home.  When she does go on walks, she walks very slowly, tongue hanging out of her mouth, tail wagging with each step taken.  When we’re home, she lays on the floor looking defeated.

When we went to a dog park in Minneapolis, she just laid on the ground next to Alex the entire time.  When we got home, she looked so exhausted that you would have thought she was running all day.

When I was doing homework last week, Sahara started to get… really annoying.  She kept nudging my arm so I would mess up my typing, she kept climbing into my lap, she even howled.  She was very, very whiney.

I couldn’t figure it out.  She kept running back and forth between Alex and I, and finally, I moved over one more room to sit next to Alex.

Her response?

She laid down near Alex’s feet and fell asleep.

Right before falling asleep.  Alex is on the bed next to her.

Right before falling asleep. Alex is on the bed next to her.

She was trying to get us in the same room so she wouldn’t have to make her guard dog rounds.

I think if someone breaks in, she’ll do one bark and give up.

Worst. German Shepherd. Ever.

 

Do you have pets that do ridiculous things that just confuse the hell out of you?  Do you have any idea what Sahara could be mixed with?  What are the funniest things your pets have done?  Tell me in the comments!

He Cheated With An Asian Hooker: Tales of A Crazy Biatch Pt 4

If you have not read about Marjorie yet, go read these first

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

 

In the first two weeks that I had known Marjorie, she had been punched out and given a black eye at the very friendly Laundromat in North Pole, she had her body builder four year old (who I’m fairly sure is imaginary) lift a dresser and break her foot, she had gotten married, gotten drunk while pregnant, had a miscarriage and C-section from said miscarriage, and gotten married.

That’s a lot of shit to happen to a person over the course of two weeks.  Oh, she started working the day that she flew in.  So from the day she stepped foot in Alaska, all of that stuff happened.

Of course, she had to top each story with the last.  At least, I think that’s what was running through her pretty little head.

She came to work one day, her boot on, her black eye on the wrong side of the day before, huffing and stating that she’s divorcing her husband that she’s been married to for almost two weeks.  He flew to Korea for a yearlong deployment, or so she told us, and he blamed her for the miscarriage.

Well, apparently, she was very torn up about the miscarriage.  He was excited to be a daddy, and when she told him that she lost the baby, he blamed her.  He said that it was her fault and she was trying to sabotage any chance he had to be a father.  She told us that the argument lasted a while, and the next day when she called to try to makeup with him, he confessed that he cheated on her.

By going to a massage parlor off base.

And getting a “special massage” from one of the Asian masseuses.

I have to reiterate though, this is the version that she told me.

Each person she told this to was a different variation.  She told one person he just cheated and did it before they were married and confessed after they were married, she told someone else that he cheated with a friend in Korea.

The bottom line was though, was that she was leaving his lying, cheating sorry ass.

But she said that she wanted to stay in Alaska, because why not?

Fresh Starts and Lots of Men

Fresh Starts and Lots of Men

So she decided to stay in Alaska, working with us at the bowling alley, and there was one evening… the evening where she went from just crazy, to crazy biatch.

It was a single airmen bowling event.  All of the airmen on base were allowed one free meal and three games of free bowling to get them out of the dorms, for Senior Airmen and lower, so we were fully packed.  We had two cashiers and two cooks working.  Me and the cook that were working had close to 30 tickets backed up at one point, and most of the orders included beer.

When we would get really busy like that, we would put one beer pitcher in front of the register that said “tips.”  How tips worked for us is that we would split them down the middle for everyone.  So if there were four of us and there were only ten dollars in tips, we each got $2.50.

Fair, right?  The cooks did more than just cook, a lot of times it would be a little slow in back and the cashier in the front would be backed up calling out orders, so the cooks would come around and call out orders, get any other little things needed like ranch, bbq, and so on.  We prided ourselves in being a good team, which is why we were voted the best customer service on base, in the top five in the Air Force.

This particular evening was no exception.  For over two hours we were slammed, there was no talking between employees.  Marjorie, however, would not let the second cashier do anything.  She would shove her over to get the beer, she’d shove her over to get the orders called out, so our little cashier was very frustrated and helped us in the kitchen since our orders were so backed up.

At around 8 pm, when Marjorie’s shift was up, she counted up the tips.

They equaled up to nearly $75.  All of us were fairly excited.  That’s a decent amount for all of us to take home.  Not impressive, but decent.

Marjorie thought so too.  So much so, that as she was leaving that night, she took all of the tips and left when there was another round of people coming in.  Technically, yes, her shift was over, but we had an agreement that if it was really busy like that, we stay to help out.  There had been times where I worked 10 hours instead of 8 hours to help out, we had all done it before.  Marjorie would not stay, and she took all of the tips.

Marjorie, but add some crazy

Marjorie, but add some crazy

We were furious.

I told my manager about it, who then talked to Marjorie, to which Marjorie stated that she didn’t know we were supposed to share, and that we weren’t helping her and the guys who tipped her said that they were for her and her alone.

Nobody liked Marjorie after that.  Nobody talked to her.  I don’t know what other crazy stories she had, because I didn’t want anything to do with her.  While I personally didn’t need the tips, the other cashier had a newborn at home and could have really used the extra few dollars.  The other cook didn’t work a lot and he even admitted that a few extra dollars in his pocket would have been nice.

And it was an honor system.  I always shared my tips.  My coworkers could sometimes say that I was a crappy employee, and I had moments where I was not a good employee.  There were times where I was a shady coworker.  There were times where I would sit on my ass and do nothing.  I wasn’t a perfect employee, getting into yelling matches with my manager about politics, but at the end of the day, I was honorable.  I never stole, or if I forgot to pay for my food, I would go back and pay for that and a second item.   I was fair with my tips, and I eventually learned what it meant to be a fair coworker by pulling my weight.  It took a lot of fights, it took a lot of being crapped on by people like Marjorie, but in the end, I learned a lesson.

Marjorie never did learn a lesson.  Marjorie had no honor.  Marjorie defended her theft and hated the rest of us for telling on her.

A few weeks later we had our first cold spurt of -20 and snowfall.  In mid-October.   Marjorie thought that it would only be cold like that for a few months, when we told her it didn’t warm up until close to May, she turned in her two week notice and booked the first flight back home.  She had been renting her furniture and had returned it, sold everything else that she didn’t want to ship back.

She was gone as quickly as she had come, much to everyone’s relief.

I recently did some stalking on her, she’s been married and divorced again since that happened, as well as been in a few “serious” relationships.  There is still no sign that she has a child.  She’s back home and waiting for Mr. Right, because the first five husbands weren’t Mr. Right.

A long while after Marjorie was gone, I was joking about her to my manager, a woman who is the same age as my mother and treated me better than any manager I have ever had, period.  Honestly, if more managers were like the manager I had at the bowling alley, there wouldn’t be so many issues in businesses.  She would help cook if we were backed up, she would do dishes, she would mop floors, and if my pay was screwed up, she would have it fixed by the end of the day.

Sorry, getting ahead of myself.  To say the least, my manager was the bomb.

But when talking about Marjorie, she said she’d hire Marjorie back in a heartbeat.  When she told me this, I gave her a ghastly look.  Her reason?

“That girl was so crazy, it never got boring here.  I was half tempted to get some popcorn when she’d tell her batshit crazy stories because they were just so damn insane.”

We would then laugh at the boob strings, and when we noticed our coworkers with perky boobs, we’d ask them where they had their boob strings put in.  If someone hurt their foot, we would ask if a four year old did it, and Marjorie became a running joke.

I guess I should say though, that I learned a lot about myself working with Marjorie.

I should never settle for less.  I should never believe in love at first sight, and that lying does nothing but cause problems.  I also learned what it meant to be a good employee.  I learned what it meant to have someone’s back, and most importantly, I learned why it’s important to work hard in life, especially in school.

I never want to work with someone as crazy as Marjorie again for as long as I live.  I started going back to college not too long after I worked with her.

So that, my loyal readers, is how I survived working with a woman who was likely mentally insane.

Have you ever worked with someone that made you want to be a better employee?  Have you ever had a shady coworker steal and try to justify it?  Let me know in the comments!

The Broken Foot: Tales of a Crazy Biatch Pt 3

If you have not read the adventures of Marjorie yet, read this and this first.

Marjorie came in to work one day wearing a foot boot cast thingy ma bobber.  I have no idea what they’re called, it’s this thing.

DAS BOOT!

DAS BOOT!

This happened a couple days after her miscarriage, and she stated that she was just in so much pain.  Her son broke her foot.

Her four year old son.

Lifted up a dresser.

And dropped it on her foot.

Okay, to be fair, she said she was getting after him, with her foot under the dresser, telling him to put it down.

And he dropped it on her foot and shattered her foot.

Pretty sure her kid was more muscular than this

Pretty sure her kid was more muscular than this

I don’t know about all of you, but I’m a 24 year old who considers herself fairly strong.  I can lift heavy things by myself, but Marjorie had some nice furniture.  Like, furniture I could only afford on a salary of cleaning out men from being married several times in four years.  If I were rich, I could afford a marble top table. Maybe.

Nice furniture is also usually close to a thousand fucking pounds.

I’m fairly strong, I lift weights, and there is no way in hell I can lift a dresser that is filled to the brim with clothing.

And her four year old was somehow able to lift this dresser high enough that when it fell down on her toe, it shattered her toe.

I want to know if this kid dropped this dresser five feet from the ground.

Either way, she wore the boot for at least a week.  I don’t quite remember…

The point being, either her kid was a body builder four year old, or he was imaginary and she dropped it on her own foot, if her foot was even broken.

But fear not… There’s more…  Later on this week.

 

Do any of you have any ridiculous stories as to how you broke a bone?  Has the coworker you worked with just been crazy and possibly a pathological liar?  Tell me in the comments!

Valentines Day Pity Party: A Beginner’s Guide

I have something to admit to everyone.

I really don’t like Valentines.

Now, for those of you who are close to me, you might find this surprising since Valentines day is technically my birthday.  But I’ve never really liked this particular holiday because it’s become so commercial and disappointing for those single girls who just eat chocolates and throw them at the TV because they’re so insanely depressed.

Seriously.

Seriously.

Luckily for me, I married a romantic gentleman.  Except when it comes to flowers, because screw flowers apparently.  Alex’s view on flowers is the same as my mother’s: Why buy them when they’re going to die right away?

How stupidly insane, right?  Flowers are gorgeous.

But before I met Alex, I always spent Valentine’s day by myself, eating ice cream and just feeling sorry for my single self.  I have had a lot of friends who are the in the same boat and also, a lot of people I know now that are in that boat.

So I decided that I’m going to spend Valentine’s day like a single person.  With my husband.  And our mutual friend.

So here are the keys to having an absolutely pathetic, yet awesome, valentines day if you’re alone.

1. Bailey’s Irish Cream

This is a must have.  The thing about Bailey’s is that it is the best possible liquor out there.  And get the flavored stuff too, they have a great hazelnut one, or chocolate, or whatever.  Pour that all over your ice cream. Or drink it straight.  No matter what, you’ll feel great.

Bailey's and Ice Cream.  A heavenly combination.

Bailey’s and Ice Cream. A heavenly combination.

Speaking of ice cream…

2.  Minimum 1 pint of ice cream

Being single on valentines just isn’t the same without ice cream.  It’s practically mandatory to have ice cream.  I’ve found that Blue Bell I ❤ Chocolate is absolutely excellent for valentines considering it’s just tons of chocolate with chocolate hearts IN THE ICE CREAM!

3. Sweat pants

Since you’re most likely not leaving the house or even showering since this is a pity party, might as well be comfortable.  I say you should be wearing sweatpants, or maybe order yourself some footsie pajamas.

DO IT!  YOU WILL NEVER REGRET IT EVER!

DO IT! YOU WILL NEVER REGRET IT EVER!

4. Stupid movies

Letters to Juliet, The Holiday, Romeo and Juliet, are sweet, romantic movies, but this will just make you feel worse.  I suggest something much more stupid like This Is The End, Movie 43, The Break Up, We’re The Millers, or if you want to feel really good about yourself, may I suggest The Hunger Games, Kimjonilia, Seoul Train, Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead?  These last few will make you realize that you just have shitty first world problems and that Valentines day is awful.

Alex offered to take me out this year for Valentines, but I’m really digging the idea of a jar of Nutella and a bottle of whiskey.

So we’ll probably watch stupid movies and order take out while eating tons of ice cream and laughing at how romantic other couples are because we are no longer romantic in any way.

 

What do you do on valentines?  Anything mushy or exciting?  Maybe something more?  Put your thoughts in the comments below!

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