You’re My Aphrodite

Alex and I have decided to save on our water bill by always showering together, so when it was once sexy to shower together, it has turned into more of “HAHA! BOOBS!” and we usually just poke each other’s belly fat while having philosophical conversations never lasting longer than five minutes.

Where Romance Goes To Die

Where Romance Goes To Die

The other day, I must have looked less ragged than normal and Alex smiles at me, kissing my forehead and whispers, “You’re my Aphrodite.”

I’m flattered, and trying to remember my Greek mythology, and trying to not get in trouble for not saying something romantic back, I quickly respond with, “You’re my Hephaestus.”

Dead Sexy for a Troll

Dead Sexy for a Troll

He pushed me away.  “Seriously?  You had a plethora of Greek gods to choose from, and you choose the stupidest god there is?  The one god that everyone on Olympus hates and is always treated horribly unfairly?  Also, the ugliest god on Olympus?  You think I’m ugly?!”

Of course this backfired on me horribly.  We are just no good at this romance crap 

“He was married to Aphrodite!” I protest.

“Yeah, and she cheated on him nonstop with every other fucking god on Olympus!”

“Fine, you’re my Apollo,” I state, thinking that makes it better.  Of course it doesn’t.

“Oh yes, because I’m such a tan, beautiful athlete with a wild temper.  Try again.”

I’m getting frustrated.  “Fine, you’re my Zeus.”

Alex laughs.  “Then you’re my whore of a wife Hera who also happens to be my sister.”

“It’s funny because your sister and I kind of look alike,” I retort, to which he begins to bang his head on the wall of the shower.

“Why do I even try to be romantic anymore?” he asks, then showing himself out of the shower.

And that, my friends, is how I have artfully killed the mood between Alex and I without even trying.

Have you ever had an instance where you’re trying to be sweet back to your significant other and it just totally backfires?  Have you ever called someone a sweet pet name and it was horribly insulting?  Let me know!

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How To Sell Your Blood Plasma: A Beginner’s Guide

So, you want to sell blood plasma to make a few extra bucks? Such as over 200 extra a month? Let me tell you how!

First, make sure you go there not knowing what you’ll need. They’re going to ask for your license and social security card. You need to forget to bring your social security card so you can run home and grab it!

Once you have it there, you need to make sure that your license and social security cards don’t match. Don’t worry, if you’re married, this is easy!

From there, go to the social security office to find out that they did your name chance incorrectly and you have to redo the entire process again.

Wait a few weeks to ensure that your name change is good.

Don't worry, it's just a little bit of paperwork

Don’t worry, it’s just a little bit of paperwork

Go back to plasma place with your new social security card and drivers license. They’ll fail to mention that the second time you ever enter the building, you have to have a proof of address in the form of a bank statement, so you’ll get denied again. They decide to mail you something to prove that you live where you live.
Go home and wait a few days by the mail box to ensure that you get your proof of address. When you get it, go back to the plasma place, assuming that they still have a copy of your social security card. They don’t, of course, so you have to drive home to get it.

You’re almost there!

You go back with your social security card so they can scan that and your driver’s license again. You have your piece of mail ready, you have your ID’s, now they say that they need your marriage license because your name is in the system as the old name. They ask you to run back home to get your marriage license.

You do this, and since it’s a thousand fucking degrees outside, you begin to sweat horrifically as you’re racing home to get your marriage license.

You get there, you give them the marriage license, and they ask you to go into the exam room.
Success!

Except now they can’t let you donate because your body odor is so terrible that you’re going to make everyone sick. They want you to go back the next day with all the paperwork so that you can finally sell your plasma for that beautiful, beautiful money.

But fear not, the nurse informs you that since it’s Louisiana and it’s a thousand fucking degrees, this happens to just about every other person in the summer because everyone is sweating from just looking outside.

It's okay, everyone smells bad this time of year

It’s okay, everyone smells bad this time of year

So now, you just need to go home and drink a bottle of wine to justify your horrible day of using half a tank of gas to make fifty bucks. Also, take a shower and burn your clothing, you don’t want anyone to risk recognizing you in that outfit as the smelly girl who can’t sell her own plasma!

 

Ever have a time in your life that it seems that no matter how many times you try, you just can’t seem to get something done?  Tell me about it!

Yes, this did happen.  Mostly today.