Guess what guys? I can finally tell you what my job was in Louisiana.
I was a ticket agent for an airline. That’s right, I was one of those people. I also worked the ramp and the baggage service office. Occasionally the gate.
So guess what? If you ever got stuck in Shreveport for any reason, you probably saw me and I probably had a super fake smile and told you about why there’s no way I can change the weather. I also probably got drunk after my shift bitching about how passengers are total fucking idiots.
But don’t worry, I was a terrible passenger until I worked for the airlines.
My first story, which I think will set the tone for all of you, is about how crazy passengers can get.
I typically worked the late night shift or the early morning. My favorite part of the job was working in the Baggage Service Office, or BSO for short. This job required me to sit at a desk and help people find their lost bags, as well as replace broken bags. I thoroughly enjoyed this job. It was the best job. You know why?
I got to go through people’s stuff.
I was legally bound to go through suitcases and document the contents. This job was perfect for me because I’m incredibly nosy and I love to see what kind of lies people come up with. They’ll tell me when I’m taking the claim that they have a five thousand dollar gift (this actually happened) and when I opened the bag, it was just dirty clothes. Those dirty clothes must have been expensive though.
So one night, a week before Alex graduated from Airman Leadership School, which is a huge accomplishment by the way, I had a crazy passenger. Definitely not my craziest, but she makes the top ten hands down. The main problem I had with this crazy bitch is she looked suspiciously like the original Crazy Biatch My friend and coworker T took the claim, and he pulled me aside to tell me the monstrosity of this particular passenger.
Apparently her car seat was a flight behind her. She was yelling at him for the most part, telling him how inconvenient it was that her car seat was missing and there was nobody else who was missing a bag. And how dare our airline miss a bag, because come on, we’re a big airline, of course we would never miss a bag. She then went on to tell him that she was going to get so many free flights from our airline because her car seat was missing. We found a replacement to give her for the time being and filed a claim and told her that we could have it delivered. She told T that she was going to come up here to get it because she wanted the airline to know how inconvenient they were being to make her come back to the airport at 10:30 at night.
Now, if you ever get into this situation, please remember that we are required to document everything you say so that when people try to get free stuff, they can refer to the file and realize that the person is being a pain in the ass. This woman took the fucking cake. She was the fucking pain in the ass of the week.
Fast forward to the last flight of the night. My turn to work the bag office. T comes with me to call the lady and let her know that her car seat had arrived. Twenty minutes later she runs in, hoots and hollers about how inconvenient it was for her to drive up to the airport at nearly 11pm and that it wasn’t fair that she had to drive here to get her car seat when we could have delivered it (Can you believe this bitch? I’m not even exaggerating). She thanked us and left. We were relieved.
Fast forward a week. Remember how I mentioned Alex’s Airman Leadership School Graduation? I was at a table with a bunch of people a few ranks above Alex, as well as their wives. Alex was asked to sing the national anthem and we had to take pictures with the commander. There was a total of ten people at my table.
And sitting directly across from me was the crazy bitch. These were assigned seats. The universe fucking hated me this particular evening.
Now, you should all remember how much I love military functions. After I pulled a big bottle of vodka out of my movie purse and started downing the drinks so I was nearly incoherent, Alex was up to sing the national anthem.
I video taped him, but if you listen really carefully, you can hear that bitch whispering in my ear about how my airline refused to give her a $1500 voucher for free flights because her car seat was missing. Seriously, for over an hour, she was yelling at me when I was supposed to be supporting Alex at this god awful function. I had a dress and heels on. I had half a bottle of vodka in my system to tolerate this function, I had Master Sergeants asking me to share my vodka because they were veterans for these horrible things. I was not at work, I was off the clock, and I consistently told her this, but she didn’t care. She was pissed that her cars seat was a flight behind her and she wasn’t getting free tickets out of it. She even traded seats with the person next to me so instead of me celebrating my husband’s huge accomplishment, I spent two hours listening to this crazy fucking bitch about how my company was unwilling to give her thousands of dollars over a car seat.
Then, at the end of the night, this bitch has the balls to ask me a question that caused me to choke on my drink.
“So, what’s the craziest story you have working with difficult people? Who was the craziest, most difficult person you’ve ever dealt with?”
Girl, you make my top ten list.