My Solution to Military Functions (Just Add Liquor)

While this really isn’t a post about the south, this is a post about life in the military.

Fun fact: When you’re married to the military, how you present yourself is directly correlated with your spouse.  For instance, if I were to bad mouth a commander to a commanders wife and talk about how the military is evil, my spouse, Alex, will be pulled into the commanders office, being asked why he was bad mouthing the commander.  To put it simply, the military does not see me as a person, they see me as a tumor growing out of my husband’s neck that is untreatable, and so they throw more money at him and give me preference for being hired on base.  It works, but it can really be a pain in the ass.

So, of course, I have fun with it.

This is where my problem lies.

You see, what many people don’t know about me is that I have horrible social anxiety.  When in public with people, I’ll have a beer or two and my social anxiety will go away, but when meeting up with people, especially people that I’m not familiar with, I have this nasty habit of saying stupid shit then blushing uncontrollably.  My friend Valerie pointed out the blushing when I went to a barbeque at her house, and that I was much less awkward than normal.  All in all, I usually don’t like large crowds, but alcohol helps my nerves.  I don’t even need to get drunk, just something to take off the edge.

Unless I’m at a function, then I usually get trashed.

You see, my first function I was told it was casual, so I went in a t-shirt and jeans with a little bit of make up just to be safe.  When I got there, nearly every single woman was wearing an evening gown with their hair and make up professionally applied.  Then people would walk up to Alex, introduce themselves, and not even look at me.  To the point where I was in tears at the end of the night.  From that moment forward, I decided that I would be too drunk to care when going to functions.

The most recent function I went to, however, I found that I really didn’t need the alcohol because most of the wives from my husband’s shop are not like the stereotypes, and since losing a decent amount of weight, I don’t stick out so much.  But I was unaware that these women were going to be so nice, so here’s how my evening went.

4 pm: Get off work, rush home, shower, shave, apply inch of make up, flat iron hair so it’s not as frizzy, find nicest shirt that makes me look skinny, lace myself into Victorian corset so I have that lovely breathy voice, wait.

5:30 pm: Alex informs me this is a buffet, to which I decide that the corset needs to go because I am NOT wearing a corset to a buffet again (that story will come later on)

6 pm: Getting ready to leave, I do a shot of whiskey to calm my nerves.

6:15 pm: Arrive at casino where function is being held.  Husband and I have time to spare so we go to the craps table and lose about $40.  I get a whiskey sour.

6:30 pm:  Feeling pretty good, insist we go to the actual bar and get a real drink.  Alex reluctantly agrees.

6:45 pm: Meet the coolest bartender I have ever met.  She makes me a drink that’s called the “Walk with Jesus.”  Makes a long island iced tea look like a bottle of light beer.  Fruity and nothing but liquor.

7 pm: Finish my walk with Jesus.  I can barely walk after walking with Jesus.

7:30 pm: YOU DON’T KNOW ME! (Translation: Where the fuck am I?)

7:45 pm:   Accidentally hit on Alex’s coworkers fiancé because she’s insanely fucking hot.  Then explain that I’m not a lesbian, just very drunk.  She laughs and I go to get myself another drink so I can blame the booze even more.  Thank God she’s got the best sense of humor of any woman I’ve ever met.

8 pm: Food is served, I have another whiskey sour and two bottles of beer.  Alex is afraid I’m going to throw up on everyone considering I’m talking about how fluffy clouds are and how the “spin is rooming”

8:30 pm: Alex has taken my wallet so I don’t get anymore drinks.


I really don’t remember what happened after that, but I do remember that Mississippi stud is an insanely difficult casino game and I will never play it again.  And Craps is only going to pay out if it’s the first time you play it and you’re in Vegas.

Apparently Alex’s coworkers think I’m hilarious.  When I met them sober, I had no idea who they were.  And I see them everywhere.


Please note, I’m not an alcoholic.  I only drink socially.  Usually at military functions.

What do you do to calm your nerves at social functions?  Anything interesting?  Feel free to comment!