The Gay Debate: Deep South Edition

Being in a red state and originally from a blue state, I have noticed a lot of different arguments about gay marriage and how they’re played out.  I’ve heard that the bible says no gay love is acceptable, I’ve heard that gay love isn’t “real” love, but Alex told me of a particular gay argument that left us both thinking, “Sweetie, have you had the birds and the bees talk?”

I’ve mentioned before that Alex is in the military, hence my name “Military Wife Rants” (though I really want to change that).  And when we were in Alaska, the whole gay soldier thing didn’t really affect any of us.  We had openly gay friends and closeted gay friends in the military in Alaska.  Nobody really cared.  Alex had a shop chief that told Alex that if he wanted to make below the zone, he would have to get some knee pads and go below the zone.  He was joking, of course, and this was a very common joke among young airmen from their shop supervisors.

On overseas bases, I hear this is very common.  At least, the joking, I have no idea if they actually get their kneepads on.  But I have seen a lot of knee pads in different Airmen’s lockers…


Anyway, Alex was telling me that his coworkers were talking about how gays can’t get married because they don’t have “real sex.”

He then began to describe how a plug goes into an outlet.  “For instance, two plugs can’t go into each other, so therefore gay sex doesn’t work.”

Basically sex.

Basically sex.

Alex told me this and I just shook my head and laughed.  I’ve made mention of touching tips before, but hearing this, I had to wonder what my gay friends would think.

I have one friend in particular, who is very active in the gay rights movement.  He’s very openly gay, I’ve known him for years, and he’s by far one of the most loving people I know.  I love to tell him stupid arguments like this, but for this post, I asked him his honest opinion on this particular argument.  He was happy to oblige, and here was his response.

There are so many ways to unpack it. First, marriage doesn’t equal sex. Marriage is about making a lifetime, loving commitment to each other. It’s not a contract for sex. People have sex without getting marriage all the time. Gay men will have sex, married or not. Equating marriage with sex is only done with people who are opposed to marriage equality think about same-sex marriage. When that same person learns that an opposite sex couple, their first thought is not “Oh, he’ll be putting his erect penis in her vagina now, I guess.” Or, if that is their first thought, wow.

Second, there isn’t a rule book about what kind of sex is legit and not. Straight people do oral, they do anal, they do frottage. That doesn’t invalidate their marriages. The one thing gay men can’t do is penile/vaginal intercourse, but when you take your marriage vow, you don’t swear to have vaginal intercourse, you swear to love each other. What kind of sex, if any, a married couple engages in, has nothing to do with the marriage contract.

Straight couples often stop having sex, yet the marriage endures. One of the spouses could get ill, or they both get old, and the sex ends. No one questions the validity of that marriage. The “real sex” question only gets brought up when talking about gay couples. It’s a convenient, cherry-picked idea used as a tool of discrimination that cannot be universalized.

Plus, why does he spend time thinking about how gays have sex? Seems fishy to me.

Well said, my friend, well said.


Have you heard arguments like this and their reasons are anything but sound?  Do you agree with what is said?  Let me know in the comments, but please no flaming.