How Marriage Changes Everything In Your Life

I have several friends who are about to get married or who have been with their significant other for a long period of time, and they talk about how excited they are to get married, to which I always say “DON’T DO IT! IT’S A TRAP!” and they laugh like I’m kidding.

I’m not kidding.

It’s a trap.

Run.

I think they have a different expectation of what the reality is, so I’m going to go over some of the basics.

Cleaning

Expectation: You’ll have help and it will get done twice as fast, or your wife will do all of the cleaning because hey! Women LOVE cleaning!

Reality: You’ll be sitting on the couch in your sweatpants, using your sweatpants as a napkin, hopping from one room to the other, looking for pants under a mountain of garbage. Note, this is not everyone, but I’ve met more people who have had this problem than who haven’t had this problem. Also, dishes won’t do themselves at mom’s house. You have mother fucking chores that you don’t get rewarded from.

Communication.

Expectation: Married couples are always friends with other married couples who talk all the time and never have issues telling each other anything! Communication is no problemo!

Reality: Lack of communication causes a lot of divorces. And to be fair, I forget to tell Alex stuff all the time. We talk all the time. He is probably the chattiest person I have ever met. And I talk a lot. But we both talk non stop for hours and don’t say a fucking thing.

Lovin’, touchin’, squeezin’

Expectation: Humping like gorillas.

Reality: You or your spouse will say “Hey, wanna have some fun?” and you’ll respond with “OR… there’s a new episode of Big Bang Theory tonight.”

So then you stay up all night watching reruns of Big Bang Theory to catch up on the new episode. This will go on for six months and then you both will replace touching with ice cream and not care. Note: This can be any show from Dragon Ball Z, to Deadly Women. When you’re married, you can have sex anytime, but reruns may not always be there.

Money

Expectation: Two incomes means we’re rich bitches!

Reality: Two people means twice the bills. Two cars? Twice the gas! Clothes for two! Eating enough to fill a buffet, the works! While I’m technically better off now that I’m married, I have to look like I’m married. Which fucking sucks. I can’t go grocery shopping in a parka and basketball shorts anymore. People won’t excuse it as “Oh she’s just a poor college kid” because they’ll see that shiny little thing on my finger and think “HER HUSBAND ABUSES HER!”

Which he totally doesn’t. I just hate clothes shopping. And washing clothes. And folding. I’m not my mother who is a wizard with laundry and clothing.

Going to the bar

Expectation: Your husband (or if you’re a guy, you) will buy all of the drinks and it will be amazingly fun!

Reality: Alex refuses to go to the bar with me unless I drag him. With a bunch of friends. To which we are both ignored because we have rings on our fingers. Except in Alaska. Alaska men didn’t care if a woman had a ring because there were no women in Alaska. Getting a free drink now is ridiculously hard. I’ve given up.

Work Functions

Expectation: Since you’re married, everyone will think you’re respectable and kind and will act like mature adults.

Reality: Nothing has changed. Except one of you will always be the DD. If you’ve read my blog from the get go, you’ll realize that my husband is always the designated driver. And I am absolutely humiliating at function. As well as nearly half of the people there, because one will drive, and the other drinks for the couple.

So tell me, anything you want to add to the list? Anything you feel should be rebutted? Every couple is different, I want to hear your thoughts! TELL ME YOUR WEIRD MARRIAGE STORIES!

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My Solution to Military Functions (Just Add Liquor)

While this really isn’t a post about the south, this is a post about life in the military.

Fun fact: When you’re married to the military, how you present yourself is directly correlated with your spouse.  For instance, if I were to bad mouth a commander to a commanders wife and talk about how the military is evil, my spouse, Alex, will be pulled into the commanders office, being asked why he was bad mouthing the commander.  To put it simply, the military does not see me as a person, they see me as a tumor growing out of my husband’s neck that is untreatable, and so they throw more money at him and give me preference for being hired on base.  It works, but it can really be a pain in the ass.

So, of course, I have fun with it.

This is where my problem lies.

You see, what many people don’t know about me is that I have horrible social anxiety.  When in public with people, I’ll have a beer or two and my social anxiety will go away, but when meeting up with people, especially people that I’m not familiar with, I have this nasty habit of saying stupid shit then blushing uncontrollably.  My friend Valerie pointed out the blushing when I went to a barbeque at her house, and that I was much less awkward than normal.  All in all, I usually don’t like large crowds, but alcohol helps my nerves.  I don’t even need to get drunk, just something to take off the edge.

Unless I’m at a function, then I usually get trashed.

You see, my first function I was told it was casual, so I went in a t-shirt and jeans with a little bit of make up just to be safe.  When I got there, nearly every single woman was wearing an evening gown with their hair and make up professionally applied.  Then people would walk up to Alex, introduce themselves, and not even look at me.  To the point where I was in tears at the end of the night.  From that moment forward, I decided that I would be too drunk to care when going to functions.

The most recent function I went to, however, I found that I really didn’t need the alcohol because most of the wives from my husband’s shop are not like the stereotypes, and since losing a decent amount of weight, I don’t stick out so much.  But I was unaware that these women were going to be so nice, so here’s how my evening went.

4 pm: Get off work, rush home, shower, shave, apply inch of make up, flat iron hair so it’s not as frizzy, find nicest shirt that makes me look skinny, lace myself into Victorian corset so I have that lovely breathy voice, wait.

5:30 pm: Alex informs me this is a buffet, to which I decide that the corset needs to go because I am NOT wearing a corset to a buffet again (that story will come later on)

6 pm: Getting ready to leave, I do a shot of whiskey to calm my nerves.

6:15 pm: Arrive at casino where function is being held.  Husband and I have time to spare so we go to the craps table and lose about $40.  I get a whiskey sour.

6:30 pm:  Feeling pretty good, insist we go to the actual bar and get a real drink.  Alex reluctantly agrees.

6:45 pm: Meet the coolest bartender I have ever met.  She makes me a drink that’s called the “Walk with Jesus.”  Makes a long island iced tea look like a bottle of light beer.  Fruity and nothing but liquor.

7 pm: Finish my walk with Jesus.  I can barely walk after walking with Jesus.

7:30 pm: YOU DON’T KNOW ME! (Translation: Where the fuck am I?)

7:45 pm:   Accidentally hit on Alex’s coworkers fiancé because she’s insanely fucking hot.  Then explain that I’m not a lesbian, just very drunk.  She laughs and I go to get myself another drink so I can blame the booze even more.  Thank God she’s got the best sense of humor of any woman I’ve ever met.

8 pm: Food is served, I have another whiskey sour and two bottles of beer.  Alex is afraid I’m going to throw up on everyone considering I’m talking about how fluffy clouds are and how the “spin is rooming”

8:30 pm: Alex has taken my wallet so I don’t get anymore drinks.

9:00 pm: BACK TO THE CASINO WHERE I GET MORE DRINKS!

I really don’t remember what happened after that, but I do remember that Mississippi stud is an insanely difficult casino game and I will never play it again.  And Craps is only going to pay out if it’s the first time you play it and you’re in Vegas.

Apparently Alex’s coworkers think I’m hilarious.  When I met them sober, I had no idea who they were.  And I see them everywhere.

 

Please note, I’m not an alcoholic.  I only drink socially.  Usually at military functions.

What do you do to calm your nerves at social functions?  Anything interesting?  Feel free to comment!