My Dog is MenoPAWSal

So a couple weeks ago, Sahara wet the bed.

This may seem weird, because dogs are sometimes eager to make our lives hell, and Sahara has a nasty habit of waking me up early in the morning by putting her head on my ear and whining very quietly, but just enough to make me want to break a window.

Right before falling asleep.  Alex is on the bed next to her.

Not my fault, mom

However, she never, ever has accidents in the house.  And she had it while she was sleeping… on our bed.  I discovered it at two in the morning.  When we moved her, there was a big spot of pee, and she looked just as confused as we were.  So we took her outside and she went potty.

Since then, she’s been having to go outside more and she’s been a little lethargic.

Since her annual visit was due, I took her into the vet and mentioned it to the vet.

When I mentioned to the vet about her lethargy and her one time wetting the bed, he asked me how old she was.  I told him that she was a stray in the Alaska bush and we had an inkling that she was between five and nine years old.  At least that’s what the vet in Alaska said.

He saw that she was spayed, and gray around her muzzle, and told me that she’s going through menopause.

What. The. Fuck.

Dogs go through menopause?

Spayed dogs go through menopause?

I was so confused, that the vet decided to explain it to me.

While it wasn’t exactly menopause, spayed females have no hormones so they can lose bladder control, especially if they’ve had puppies before.  I asked my mom if she has bladder problems from menopause and babies, and she told me way too much information, so I figured Sahara was going through something similar.

So, the vet told me that if the bed wetting continues, I should bring her back and we’ll put her on hormones.  Because my menopausal dog was hormoneless.  We had to make her hormonal.

When I got home, Alex asked how the vet appointment went.

Me: Well, Sahara has menopause.

Alex: You mean… meno-PAWS?!

Me: Sure.  Menopaws.  She might have to get hormones

Alex: Will she get weepy and complain that her kids are leaving the house?

Me: I don’t know—

Alex: Is she going to start eating ice cream out of the carton and cry at stupid movies, then forget where she is and get angry with her mood swings?

Me: I DON’T KNOW! I JUST KNOW THAT SHE’S GOING TO BE MOODY AND PEE EVERYWHERE!

So I rubbed Sahara’s belly and reminded her that she probably ate her puppies and that Luna wasn’t going to go anywhere because Luna hates going outside when it’s hot.

Because I’m a damn good doggie mom.

Have you ever had an instance where you found out something that seemed horribly implausable?  Do you have a dog who is at risk for going into menopause?  Any ideas how to take care of a moody dog?  Let me know in the comments!

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Heffalump For Sale

We recently acquired a foster dog.  His name is Patch.

He's a derp.

He’s a derp.

 

First, let me tell you about Patch.

He was found off of Old Mooringsport Road in Shreveport, apparently a popular dog dumping ground.  A friend of ours saw him and saw that he was a pretty skinny little dude and picked him up and took him to the vet.  He’s severely underweight, but extremely fluffy.

Alex and I are major dog lovers, having two of our own dogs.  Since our friend was trying to sell his house, he couldn’t be showing his house when he had this guy putting his nose in everything.

So we offer to take him in.

He’s an interesting dog, to say the least.  While he’s extremely loveable, he’s also extremely mischievous.

The other day, we decided to grill some spicy sausage.  Alex, who is known to go above and beyond in the cooking, somehow grilled these sausages to look like the picture on the package.  And they were fully cooked.

Pretty sure Alex is a wizard.

But as we were eating dinner in the living room, Patch, Luna and Sahara decide to investigate the last sausage in the kitchen.

Now, I have no idea how he got onto the counter, or how he reached it.  But he grabbed the sausage and swallowed it.  And he took two bites of it.

I called the vet, thinking it would be fine and found out that spicy sausage can kill your dog.  So we take him to the vet.

Since we got him there less than twenty minutes after he ate the sausage, they were able to just give him a shot so he’d vomit.

Lo and behold, he vomited the sausage… in two perfect pieces.  With the grill marks still on them.

I wasn’t even mad anymore.  I was impressed.

Now whenever he wants something off the counter he sits next to it and howls.  I guess he’s asking about it now.

And he lets me put socks on his face to make him look like a Heffalump.

Looking back, I don't think he liked it too much.

Looking back, I don’t think he liked it too much.

Alas though, he is a foster dog.  While he is a sweet dog who cuddles me all the time, he is not our dog.  He doesn’t even quite feel like he belongs to us.

So, internet, if anyone who is within 100 miles of Shreveport, LA, is reading this and are interested in adopting him, or know someone who would be interested in adopting him, please feel free to contact me at transplantedtothesouth[at]gmail[dot]com.  He is free to a good home!

 

Ever have a dog do something that just impressed you when they were being disobedient?  Do you have a heffalump?  Let me know in the comments!

Why It’s Awesome/Horrible To Be An Adult

So I have been stressed lately and all I can think is “Oh, I wish I was a kid living at my moms again!” to which my mom laughed and said “no.”  I think she said no because I can’t move back home because I’m messy and she’s super tidy.

I have no idea, but that’s probably the reason.

So I decided to make a list of why it’s AWESOME to be an adult.  Then ten reasons on why it really sucks to be an adult.

Let’s start with the awesome list.

  1.  I have no bedtime. Seriously.  I can go to bed at six AM and wake up at six PM and it’s totally okay because I’m a mother fucking adult.
  2. I can ice cream for breakfast.  I know this is a total fatty reason, but think about it.  Growing up, your parents are like “YOU CAN’T HAVE ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST BECAUSE IT WILL ROT YOUR TEETH AND YOU’LL GET FAT!”  Jokes on them!  I’m already fat!  And my teeth are so sensitive that I have to brush them all the time anyway!  And ice cream is an excellent source of calcium.  I don’t want osteoporosis when I’m older, so MORE ICE CREAM!
  3. I can drive now.  I don’t have to ask my mom to drive me to the movies anymore.  I can just get in the car and go to the movies.  This would be higher on the list if I weren’t terrified of driving…
  4. I can live wherever I want!  When I was 18 I moved to Alaska, now that I’m 23 I moved to Louisiana.  Where to next?  Germany you say?  Japan?  Anywhere I can afford.
  5. I don’t have to go to class anymore.  I have this wonderful thing called online classes where I just write papers and send them in, getting college credit*
  6. I can have as many dogs as I want.  I have two, but mom can’t tell me to give the neighbor dog back!**
  7. I can wear anything I want out of the house now.  I go grocery shopping in pajamas all the time and I have this insanely ripped up hoodie that I wear all the time***
  8. Cut my own hair?  Make my own clothes?  The sky is the limit when you’re an adult!
  9. Dirty movies?  Hell, you can own dirty movies or even make your own!  (Though I strongly suggest against this, that is a horrible idea.  Seriously, nobody would hire you if you did that.  DON’T DO IT!)
  10. I can go outside when it’s pouring rain in shorts and a tank top, getting totally drenched, without my mom telling me to get back inside before I catch a cold.  I know better now mom.

I feel like I’m targeting my mom quite a bit.  To be fair, she is a typical mom.  She worries about little things, but she’s very caring and warm.  I love her lots.  But I’m pretty sure the only reason she has gray hair is because I drive her absolutely batshit crazy.  For example, “Don’t stick your hand in the garbage disposal!” she once told me.  Pffft, as if I’d turn it on with my hand in it… maybe…

Ten reasons why it sucks to be an adult

  1. Bills.  Fucking seriously.  I have gray hair at the ripe age of 23 because of finances.  I had no idea how stressful bills are.
  2. No mom to nag you about you doing stupid shit.  I guess I should elaborate on this: I do a lot of stupid shit.  I’ve picked up strangers in the middle of nowhere to give them rides home before, I’ve given money to hobos before, I cut full coverage of insurance on my car, to which I totaled it the next day.  People usually have a little voice in their head to tell them not to do stupid shit, I had my mom doing that for me, and now that she lives a thousand miles away, I’m a little lost.
  3. Work.  You’re saying that I have to work a dead end job that I hate until I’m 69 years old just so I can be broke as hell and work at wal-mart because my kids refuse to help me?
  4. No one to take care of you when you’re sick.  Okay, this one is a little unfair.  My mom would give me chores when I was sick.  And my husband waits on me hand and foot when I’m sick, and I return the favor to him by giving him chores when he’s sick.  He tells me I’m a bitch when he’s sick, I see it as making him stronger.
  5. Car maintenance.  What do you mean my flux capacitor is broken?  It’s going to cost HOW MUCH?!
  6. No bed time.  Now, you probably notice that this is on both lists.  The reason I have it on this list too is because when I was a teenager, I could drink a shitload of energy drinks and stay awake for four days and be like YEAH!  I’M AWESOME!  Now I need a pot of coffee just to function throughout the day without stabbing someone with a spoon.  When I work full time, I have a ten PM bedtime.  Sometimes.
  7. Your parents were right.  It kills me to have to say that.  Literally, part of my soul just shriveled up and died because I typed out that sentence.
  8. I feel like I’m still in High School.  Except maybe more middle school because I enjoyed my high school years.  When at school.  The drama in the real world is just like middle school.  There’s gossip, tragedy, “cheating,” just overall stupidity.  High school never ends.
  9. The law.  I can’t do stupid shit like putting laundry detergent into a fountain to make ten feet of bubbles (I did this in high school, it was awesome).  Stupid pranks aren’t a no no anymore, they’re a fucking misdemeanor.
  10. It’s really hard to make friends.  As an adult, going out and talking to people, you have a filter now that you didn’t have as a child.  You have anxiety now, you have to pretend to be responsible, and it’s just overall annoying.  I used to be social, now I just hide out in my house and watch cooking shows and crochet hats.  And take full time classes.

*My college courses are not that easy.  I do full time online school, where I spend upwards to 25 hours a week on homework, writing papers, reading discussion boards, watching archived classes while taking notes.  It’s difficult, but I actually enjoy it.

**I never took the neighbor dog.  But I could now if I wanted.

***If I wore this hoodie to my mom’s house, she’d burn it.  It’s ripped up and falling apart and insanely comfortable.  But if she saw it, she’d probably burn it.

So blogging community, what are your reasons on why it’s awesome/horrible to be an adult?  I WANT TO HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY!

The next parts of my drive from Alaska to Louisiana will be posted later this week.