Why He’s The Bra Guru: A Marital Dispute

In honor of save the tatas month, I have decided to write a post about my boobs.  And about how Alex and I have the same fight all the time.  Here’s a snippet of this particular fight.

Me: Hey, Alex?  For the love of God, stop grabbing my boobs.

Alex: But that’s what they’re there for.  That’s my God given right for being your husband.  I get to grab boobs all the time.

Me: But you’re breaking the wires in my bras trying to go under the bra.  And you’re stretching out the cups so they don’t keep their shape.

Alex: Then stop wearing bras. Problem solved. Now let’s move on to something more difficult like the Ebola crisis.

Me: NO!  If I stop wearing bras, then my boobs will get saggy.

Alex: I’ll just hold up your boobs. Check mate.

Except it's my boobs.

Except it’s my boobs.

Me: You can’t just walk around behind me holding my boobs up all day.

Alex: I’ll do it for you, as a sign of my undying love. Challenge accepted!

Me: THIS IS NOT A CHALLENGE!

LIKE A BOSS

LIKE A BOSS

Alex:  I’m not the sole reason they break. After all, your bras wouldn’t break all the time if you didn’t wear them.

Me: My bras wouldn’t break if you would stop grabbing my boobs all the time.

Alex: I don’t get why you wear bras all the time anyway.  They always break after five months or so.

Me: They would last a year if you stopped grabbing my boobs!

Alex: Well, you’ve established that I’m your “bra guru”, I’ll help you find new ones when the time comes.

Me: The time comes way sooner than it should since you keep breaking them!

Alex: But I am driven by a desire to grab boobs, and I have sworn to only grab yours as a sign of love and respect.

Me: I appreciate the dedication, but you need to stop grabbing my boobs all the time.

Alex: BUT I HAVE TO GRAB BOOBS!

So we came to a compromise.  I smack his hand until he stops.  And he doesn’t stop and barks at me when his hand gets raw from me smacking his hand all the time. Which then I tell him…

“Alex?  For the love of God, stop grabbing my boobs.”

Thus the cycle begins again.

Does your spouse have overy grabby hands?  Does your boyfriend or husband grab your boobs all the time and no matter what you say or do, your boobs seem like magical magnets that nobody can resist? Let me know in the comments!

The Bra Guru

I have this weird habit of the same week a year, all of my clothes die.  I have no idea why, but I go from having a full closet to having two shirts, one pair of pants, one pair of underwear, and all of the wires in my bras snapping.

 

I blame the bra wires on Alex since he has this nasty habit of not keeping his hands to himself.  To be fair though, I think every man on the planet has this weird habit of grabbing their girlfriends or wives boobs every chance they get.

So after four days when all of my pants got holes in the thighs, the wires in all four of my bras snapped, the dogs ate all my underwear (it was weird, one week they all decided my underwear is delicious), and all of my shirts getting ripped or so worn that they’re see through, when they were never see through before, and all of my socks no longer having a match, I tell Alex I need to go bra shopping.

For anyone who has boobs, it’s very obvious how important it is to have a good bra.  They perk you up, they help your back, and they can give you some confidence.

Weirdly enough, Alex has a really weird talent.  He can find any bra.

He is the Bra Guru.

Let me start from the beginning.

I am a very strange size.  I’m a heavy girl and I have really small boobs in comparison to my body.  Fat girls never have a flat chest.  It just rarely happens, so a lot of the time I have to order bras, then send them back because they just don’t fit right.  Luckily, Lane Bryant usually has my size, but very few and far between.

A little over a year ago, my mom and I dragged Alex to LB and we searched for over 20 minutes to find me a bra and had no success.  We were about to give up and Alex, who had been sitting in the corner of the store watching from afar, offers his searching abilities.

Within five minutes he found eight different bras in my size.  Of course, they were the leopard print with tons of padding that would make me look like Pamela Anderson, because, you know, he’s a guy, but my mom and I realized at that moment that Alex has a gift.

He has the gift of finding the right fucking sized bra.

So last week we walk into LB, and the two women at the front counter thought it was strange that I said to Alex “DO YOUR MAGIC!” and he began to search all of the bras and underwear for the right bra.

These women were confused as hell, and I explained the situation.

“He’s the Bra Guru.  I wear a weird size and no matter what, he can find the size in every style.  It’s a weird gift.”

A few minutes later he has found six bras, all leopard print or racy lace, and these women were astounded.

One of the women even commented that they didn’t even know that they carried that size for that bra.

When in the fitting room, obviously he had to go in with me to make sure that they fit, and every time I’d have it on, he’d conveniently unhook it with one hand and giggle like a school girl because… well… boobs.

Of the six, I found two that were perfect.  I figure two bras will last me for a while, so then I send Alex on a venture to find panties.

Naturally, he put his gift to the test and was rummaging through the panties, throwing all the lacy goodness my way.  You know, stuff a married woman would NEVER wear because I’ve rediscovered granny panties and their glorious comfort.

Image

You will never know such comfort

He found me some cute panties that were a compromise, and while at the counter, the women asked Alex if he wanted to work there to officially put his skill to good use.  He declined, stating that he hated his gift, and we were on our way.

So for any of you who visit me, if you have a weird bra size and need help finding a bra, I’ll send you off with Alex.  He will put his Bra Guru skills to the test.

Do you have problems finding clothes?  Do all of your clothes seem to rip and become unwearable overnight?  Do you have any funny stories of finding clothes?  Tell me in the comments!

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