No Officer, But I Wish I Did Have A Weapon In The Vehicle

Back in my second year of college at UAF, I made some bad choices.  This is common knowledge.  I skipped class so I could sleep all day, I worked a full time job and skipped class, and I felt that I was invincible, as many twenty year olds feel when they’re away from home.

Anyway, for a very short time I casually dated this guy named Derik.  We didn’t have a lot in common— we both liked Miyazaki movies, he was well traveled, he was an overall interesting guy and he treated me well.  He seemed stable and honest, and I really liked him.

One night, after we had been seeing each other for a few weeks, he starts messaging me on face book.  He tells me he’s really drunk and he would be so happy if I got him some Taco Bell.

Since I’m sober and it’s Saturday night, I decided I would be the good friend and sober his dumb ass up.

How sweet of me, right?

I walk downstairs to his dorm room and he opens the door and falls forward, almost slamming into the ground, but he caught himself on the wall.  I could smell the liquor on him from three feet away.  He put his arm around me and announced we should get Taco Bell.

The taco bell that was closest to UAF was about three miles, so not too far.  As we were driving though, I got a lot of insight as to what kind of person Derik really was.

“You and I would never work as a couple,” he told me, something that hurt me deeply because I did like him a lot.

“Why is that?” I asked him.

“You’re too uptight.  You have no goals in life, and you’re just really awkward and weird.”

I feel my foot push on the gas a little more.  “Oh really, what are your goals in life?” I asked him.

Without even skipping a beat, he said something to me that made me want to punch him in the face.  “My goal in life is to fuck bitches and get high.”

My foot started to push  more on the gas. “Fuck bitches and get high?  How high are you right now?”

“I had two hits from a roach clip right before you picked me up.  But seriously though, you’re just too uptight and trying to take the fun out of fucking everything.  It’s so damn annoying.  Go smoke some pot and calm your ass down.”

The petal was to the metal at that point, we were going at least twenty over in this area.

“You listen here asshole,” I started to say, getting angrier as I spoke.  “I don’t want to be living on the streets with addiction and I don’t want to be living off of my parents for ever, so you can just shut your mouth.”

I’ve never been good with comebacks.  He started to gnaw at me more, saying more hurtful things… Until the cop car behind us turned on his lights.

I was so livid at Derik that I didn’t even care.  I pulled over, and Derik, who had been drinking and doing drugs that evening, paled as the cop came to the car.

Well hello...

Well hello…

“License and registration,” the cop asked.  I started to reach for my registration when the cop spoke again.  “Do you have any weapons in the car?”

“I fucking wish,” I said angrily, practically throwing the items at the cop.

This cop knew me.  I made his lunch every day.  He had a spark of recognition when he saw my license and my angry face.

He gave me a look, and I cleared my throat.  “Uh, no, I don’t sir.”

“Is everything okay?” he asked me.  I point to the asshole next to me.

“This asshole is really pissing me off.”

You should have heard the squeak that came from Derik.  His eyes were the size of plates, his face was ghastly white, and he was still.

“Is there going to be a chance of domestic violence?” the cop asked me.

“No sir, I’ll kick his ass before he can get his fists up,” I told the cop.  Derik looked at me, thinking I was serious.

The cop gave me back my license and registration.  “Just slow down, okay?  And calm down.”

The cop went back to his car and drove off.

Derik let out a sigh of relief.

“I take it back, you’re a fucking god.”

The next day, he couldn’t remember what happened so he messaged me asking me if I wanted to come over.  I told him what happened and that I had no desire to see him again.  He apologized profusely, saying he didn’t mean it and didn’t remember any of it.  He admitted that he was blacked out drunk, but those words cut me pretty deep.

To say the least, we weren’t really seeing each other anymore.  But I wish him well.

Have you ever met someone and found out some nasty stuff about them?  Ever had a crush on someone and they were nothing like you thought they were?  Ever tell a cop you wish you had a weapon?  Let me know in the comments!

Awkward Dinner Conversations

So recently, Alex decided that we needed to make some friends.  While I totally and completely agree with him, I usually don’t like to leave my house.  If I am in a social situation, I usually like to have one or ten drinks to ensure that I stay interesting.  And also less anxious because I get very nervous in social situations.

 

Maybe not this desperate for a drink

Maybe not this desperate for a drink

 

So Alex invited one of his coworkers and his wife out.  I’ve been out with this particular couple before, and it ended up with me hitting on his coworker’s now wife.  Lucky for me, she had no recollection of me hitting on her.  Which was a huge lifesaver.

We went to a casino buffet for the seafood buffet, and naturally, we all ate around ten pounds of crab legs.  Half way through the meal, it felt like we were starting to run out of stuff to talk about, and somehow the topic of my degree program popped up.  In case any of you were unaware, I’m finishing up my Bachelor’s in Criminal Justice-Human Services currently.  I’m trying to drop a bunch of weight to be a probation officer, but heaven knows how well that’s going to work out for me.  But all in all, I’m working on it.

I was asked what interested me in criminal justice and I told them that instead of watching Disney movies and cartoons and girly movies like most girls, I watched Crime documentaries.  Not CSI, I mean I was watching Cold Case Files, Deadly Women, and so on.  I was watching actual documentaries about how people brutally murder people.  And I watch that shit like it’s going out of style.

To make things more interesting, when I was talking about how I love watching stuff about how wives murder their husbands, Alex began to tell me to shut the hell up.  Several times in fact.  He even interrupted me and said, “Leah, this is not proper dinner conversation.  Not with people that we’re just starting to get comfortable with.”

I shushed him.  “It’s totally fine.  You see, thanks to my evidence classes, as well as my criminal law procedure classes, I know how to get away with murder.”

Awkward.

Awkward.

 

They all just stared at me with this look of intrigue, horror, and curiosity.  At least, that’s how I interpreted it.  It was either that or they thought I was off my rocker.  Either way works.  So, since I’m horrible at taking hints when they’re thrown in my face, I continue to tell them how to get away with murder.

“There are so many ways to make it look like an accident. For instance, let’s say Alex was a gardener.  He was in the garden all the time and he was using fertilizer.  All I would have to do is put trace amounts of fertilizer in his water or his food and later doing the autopsy, they’d be like, ‘Oh! He somehow ingested too much fertilizer from gardening!  Accidental death!’ and then I’d be collecting on massive life insurance.”

More blank stares.

“But of course, I’d never murder Alex.  He’s going to be worth way more in the long run than if I murdered him now.”

Even more blank stares.  Finally, Alex speaks up.

“I’m not that good of a gardener.  If they find fertilizer in my body, she’s a prime suspect.”

Thanks Alex.

 

Disclaimer: I want everyone to know that committing murder is not that simple, nor do I endorse it.  Murder is bad, y’all.  And I love Alex way too much to even consider it.  I was sober and panicky about running out of dinner conversation so I talked about murder, because everyone loves to talk about murder.  Right?

Ever have a horribly awkward dinner conversation where you nearly wanted to crawl under a rock?  Ever say something so incredibly stupid that you wish you could take it back?  Let me know in the comments!

 

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How Marriage Changes Everything In Your Life

I have several friends who are about to get married or who have been with their significant other for a long period of time, and they talk about how excited they are to get married, to which I always say “DON’T DO IT! IT’S A TRAP!” and they laugh like I’m kidding.

I’m not kidding.

It’s a trap.

Run.

I think they have a different expectation of what the reality is, so I’m going to go over some of the basics.

Cleaning

Expectation: You’ll have help and it will get done twice as fast, or your wife will do all of the cleaning because hey! Women LOVE cleaning!

Reality: You’ll be sitting on the couch in your sweatpants, using your sweatpants as a napkin, hopping from one room to the other, looking for pants under a mountain of garbage. Note, this is not everyone, but I’ve met more people who have had this problem than who haven’t had this problem. Also, dishes won’t do themselves at mom’s house. You have mother fucking chores that you don’t get rewarded from.

Communication.

Expectation: Married couples are always friends with other married couples who talk all the time and never have issues telling each other anything! Communication is no problemo!

Reality: Lack of communication causes a lot of divorces. And to be fair, I forget to tell Alex stuff all the time. We talk all the time. He is probably the chattiest person I have ever met. And I talk a lot. But we both talk non stop for hours and don’t say a fucking thing.

Lovin’, touchin’, squeezin’

Expectation: Humping like gorillas.

Reality: You or your spouse will say “Hey, wanna have some fun?” and you’ll respond with “OR… there’s a new episode of Big Bang Theory tonight.”

So then you stay up all night watching reruns of Big Bang Theory to catch up on the new episode. This will go on for six months and then you both will replace touching with ice cream and not care. Note: This can be any show from Dragon Ball Z, to Deadly Women. When you’re married, you can have sex anytime, but reruns may not always be there.

Money

Expectation: Two incomes means we’re rich bitches!

Reality: Two people means twice the bills. Two cars? Twice the gas! Clothes for two! Eating enough to fill a buffet, the works! While I’m technically better off now that I’m married, I have to look like I’m married. Which fucking sucks. I can’t go grocery shopping in a parka and basketball shorts anymore. People won’t excuse it as “Oh she’s just a poor college kid” because they’ll see that shiny little thing on my finger and think “HER HUSBAND ABUSES HER!”

Which he totally doesn’t. I just hate clothes shopping. And washing clothes. And folding. I’m not my mother who is a wizard with laundry and clothing.

Going to the bar

Expectation: Your husband (or if you’re a guy, you) will buy all of the drinks and it will be amazingly fun!

Reality: Alex refuses to go to the bar with me unless I drag him. With a bunch of friends. To which we are both ignored because we have rings on our fingers. Except in Alaska. Alaska men didn’t care if a woman had a ring because there were no women in Alaska. Getting a free drink now is ridiculously hard. I’ve given up.

Work Functions

Expectation: Since you’re married, everyone will think you’re respectable and kind and will act like mature adults.

Reality: Nothing has changed. Except one of you will always be the DD. If you’ve read my blog from the get go, you’ll realize that my husband is always the designated driver. And I am absolutely humiliating at function. As well as nearly half of the people there, because one will drive, and the other drinks for the couple.

So tell me, anything you want to add to the list? Anything you feel should be rebutted? Every couple is different, I want to hear your thoughts! TELL ME YOUR WEIRD MARRIAGE STORIES!

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