Pray The Baby Away

Believe it or not, I’m writing about the south.  It’s been quite a while since I’ve had the chance to post anything, much less anything about what this blog was originally for!

I work with a guy from southern Mississippi, and he’s a hoot.  He’s extremely progressive for someone from Mississippi.  He’s gay and married, in a polyamorous relationship, going to school, so on and so forth.  When he was in college in Mississippi, he would be a substitute teacher at local high schools and he would go into schools to tell kids to use condoms.

He told me a story that I had begged him to let me tell to you all, and he happily agreed. This is the story of how a football captain thought that you could pray the STD away.

There are two things that you must realize: condom use is not big in the south and gays are so unnatural they have supernatural powers the devil gave them.  Obviously.

When my coworker, who we will call Joe, was talking to kids about the importance of condom use, he was giving examples as to how condoms work not just for STD’s, but for preventing pregnancy.   The football captain of this particular school raised his hand to be called on to explain why he didn’t need condoms.

“Well it’s a sin to use condoms.  If you pray after sex, the girl won’t get pregnant.  Everyone knows that.”

Joe, who is not a total fucking idiot, told him that it doesn’t quite work like that.  “Well, what about STD’s?” Joe had asked him.

The kid smiled.  “Only gays have STD’s.  You don’t actually get them from having sex either.”

Joe decided to be cheeky.  “How about you go get tested then to prove that only gay’s get STD’s?  Let’s see if you have one.”

The kid, who thought he was being cocky, decided that he was going to get tested and prove to everyone that STD’s aren’t from sex and only gays get STD’s.

The results came back and the kid tested positive for Chlamydia and Gonorrhea.

The kid was outraged, and Joe tried to explain.  “It’s okay, just use condoms and you won’t get any more STD’s and nobody will get pregnant.”

The kid countered back, “You must have hexed me!  The gays put a curse on me!  They were jealous of me so they put a hex on me and gave me a fucking disease!”

When Joe had told me this part, I almost didn’t believe him.  How can someone be so dumb to think that gays can put a hex on a person to give them an STD?

Then I thought about it.

And it made sense.

My mind was going, “This story is total bullshit.”  But how he told me, there are just those stories that your gut knows is true.  This was one of those stories.  I knew that even if he was making up that story, this story was true because this isn’t the first time I’ve heard of gays having supernatural abilities to give others STDs and turn others gay.

I told this story to a few people.  Alex mentioned that the kid probably thought that gays were actually just were-gays, and when I told a friend of mine from Minnesota who’s a teacher and also gay, his response was, “Jesus Fucking Christ, of course he had an STD.”

So there you have it.  Gays are not only lycanthropes, but also they have supernatural powers to hex straights with diseases.

Because that totally makes sense.

What crazy stories have you heard about different groups?  Do you believe in the were-gay?  Do you think that gays have supernatural hexing powers?  Let me know in the comments! 

3 thoughts on “Pray The Baby Away

  1. I never underestimate a person’s ability to be a complete imbecile….especially in the South (I live in the South so I speak from experience).

  2. Anddddd this is why I just will never move to the South. The Texans, Okies, and other various Southerners that come here are enough for me.

    Then again, this was the football captain. They aren’t exactly groomed to be scholars. Sure, there are exceptions, but this guy… provin’ the rule.

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