Pray The Baby Away

Believe it or not, I’m writing about the south.  It’s been quite a while since I’ve had the chance to post anything, much less anything about what this blog was originally for!

I work with a guy from southern Mississippi, and he’s a hoot.  He’s extremely progressive for someone from Mississippi.  He’s gay and married, in a polyamorous relationship, going to school, so on and so forth.  When he was in college in Mississippi, he would be a substitute teacher at local high schools and he would go into schools to tell kids to use condoms.

He told me a story that I had begged him to let me tell to you all, and he happily agreed. This is the story of how a football captain thought that you could pray the STD away.

There are two things that you must realize: condom use is not big in the south and gays are so unnatural they have supernatural powers the devil gave them.  Obviously.

When my coworker, who we will call Joe, was talking to kids about the importance of condom use, he was giving examples as to how condoms work not just for STD’s, but for preventing pregnancy.   The football captain of this particular school raised his hand to be called on to explain why he didn’t need condoms.

“Well it’s a sin to use condoms.  If you pray after sex, the girl won’t get pregnant.  Everyone knows that.”

Joe, who is not a total fucking idiot, told him that it doesn’t quite work like that.  “Well, what about STD’s?” Joe had asked him.

The kid smiled.  “Only gays have STD’s.  You don’t actually get them from having sex either.”

Joe decided to be cheeky.  “How about you go get tested then to prove that only gay’s get STD’s?  Let’s see if you have one.”

The kid, who thought he was being cocky, decided that he was going to get tested and prove to everyone that STD’s aren’t from sex and only gays get STD’s.

The results came back and the kid tested positive for Chlamydia and Gonorrhea.

The kid was outraged, and Joe tried to explain.  “It’s okay, just use condoms and you won’t get any more STD’s and nobody will get pregnant.”

The kid countered back, “You must have hexed me!  The gays put a curse on me!  They were jealous of me so they put a hex on me and gave me a fucking disease!”

When Joe had told me this part, I almost didn’t believe him.  How can someone be so dumb to think that gays can put a hex on a person to give them an STD?

Then I thought about it.

And it made sense.

My mind was going, “This story is total bullshit.”  But how he told me, there are just those stories that your gut knows is true.  This was one of those stories.  I knew that even if he was making up that story, this story was true because this isn’t the first time I’ve heard of gays having supernatural abilities to give others STDs and turn others gay.

I told this story to a few people.  Alex mentioned that the kid probably thought that gays were actually just were-gays, and when I told a friend of mine from Minnesota who’s a teacher and also gay, his response was, “Jesus Fucking Christ, of course he had an STD.”

So there you have it.  Gays are not only lycanthropes, but also they have supernatural powers to hex straights with diseases.

Because that totally makes sense.

What crazy stories have you heard about different groups?  Do you believe in the were-gay?  Do you think that gays have supernatural hexing powers?  Let me know in the comments! 

The Were-Gay

Hi everyone!  I wanted to wish everyone a happy holidays and a great new year!  I’m sorry I haven’t posted in so long, I’ve been incredibly busy doing training for my job and overall dealing with crazy people (I have several posts planned).

This post is a prequel to a post I will be posting later this week.  Alex and I have a joke about were-gays, which are were-wolves but not quite.  The story I was going to tell involves that joke, but since it would be kind of hard to explain without this story, Alex has graciously offered to write this post regarding the origin of the were-gay, so I can tell the awesome hilarious story later on.  So without further adieu, I hope you enjoy Alex’s writing 🙂

Having been a long time reader of my wife’s post (this is definitely said without her looking over my shoulder), I wanted to give the first-view perspective to a situation that happened to me. I hope you enjoy.

I once had a group of friends that would get together and shoot the breeze with. It was a great group of people and I miss them greatly. One of them (for the sake of protecting the innocent we will call her Amber) was a particularly violent lesbian who was also an army recruiter. She was by far my favorite as all of her stories were over the top and hilarious from my point of view. I’d still be supportive to her plights, but MAN was she funny to listen to.

During one particular story she was talking about funny double standards in dealing with gay recruits. Recruiters will often transport an applicant to several locations to in-process the individual. It is a huge taboo with recruiters (apparently) to transport applicants of the opposite gender anywhere. This is a good rule in making sure that no one is being taken advantage of and keeps people safe.

The one drawback to this is when the applicant happens to be gay. In the happenstance of the applicant being a gay male and the recruiter being a hetero male, this causes “strife”.

I know why this is probably the case, but I go ahead and ask Amber why.

“Because none of the other recruiters want to be alone in the car with these gay guys,” she groans, her eyes almost rolling out of her head onto the floor.

I’m genuinely intrigued by the statement. “So they think these men can’t get through a car ride without hitting on them?”

“You should hear these guys,” she laughed, “they honestly start to panic when they have to take him somewhere. They’re convinced he’s going to overpower them on the car ride.”

At this point I start to laugh, and when I say laugh I mean that kind of laugh where you start at a chuckle and slowly evolve into a full-blown “I-can’t-breathe-please-stop-me-before-I-hyperventilate” state of mind. I’m holding my sides and laughing while Amber is chuckling but also wondering why I’ve suddenly lost my marbles.

When I finally catch my breath I let her in on the little secret. It was a scenario that played out like this…

Two men, an army Tech Sergeant and a hopeful recruit, sit quietly in a car driving on the freeway. The radio playing a country song that neither man is listening to. The sergeant drives, hoping to keep conversation to a minimum as to avoid any awkward situations. The recruit keeps his silence and looks straight ahead.

Suddenly, the full moon looms overhead and the recruit clutches his chest in pain. He screams in agony and doubles over in pain against his seat belt. The recruiter is at a loss and begins to panic at the situation.

“Are you ok?!” the recruiter yells, hoping against all odds that this is not as bad as it looks.

“I…can’t…fight it…” the recruit manages to gasp in painful breaths.


The recruit looks the sergeant, his eyes a tinted yellow and wolf-like. He licks his lips and bears his now canine teeth. A mad look of hunger and desire are apparent behind those inhumane eyes.

“…I NEED THAT DICK!!!”

With that the were-gay lunges from his seat while the sergeant is helpless whilst driving the vehicle. In an unnatural move of dexterity and super-gayness the recruit rips off that sergeants pants and jams his cock right in his mouth. The were-gay howls in delight, his howl of course coming out unclear with all the man meat in his supernatural jaws.

So yeah, that’s what ran through my mind at the thought of that. Of course it’s silly for me to think that’s actually true. Pretty ridiculous, right?

…although I’ve never seen a werewolf and a gay man in the same room together…

Have you ever been subjected to werewolves?  Do you know people who think that this is how homosexuality is caused?  Do you have a similar hilarious story?  Let me know in the comments!