The Bra Guru

I have this weird habit of the same week a year, all of my clothes die.  I have no idea why, but I go from having a full closet to having two shirts, one pair of pants, one pair of underwear, and all of the wires in my bras snapping.

 

I blame the bra wires on Alex since he has this nasty habit of not keeping his hands to himself.  To be fair though, I think every man on the planet has this weird habit of grabbing their girlfriends or wives boobs every chance they get.

So after four days when all of my pants got holes in the thighs, the wires in all four of my bras snapped, the dogs ate all my underwear (it was weird, one week they all decided my underwear is delicious), and all of my shirts getting ripped or so worn that they’re see through, when they were never see through before, and all of my socks no longer having a match, I tell Alex I need to go bra shopping.

For anyone who has boobs, it’s very obvious how important it is to have a good bra.  They perk you up, they help your back, and they can give you some confidence.

Weirdly enough, Alex has a really weird talent.  He can find any bra.

He is the Bra Guru.

Let me start from the beginning.

I am a very strange size.  I’m a heavy girl and I have really small boobs in comparison to my body.  Fat girls never have a flat chest.  It just rarely happens, so a lot of the time I have to order bras, then send them back because they just don’t fit right.  Luckily, Lane Bryant usually has my size, but very few and far between.

A little over a year ago, my mom and I dragged Alex to LB and we searched for over 20 minutes to find me a bra and had no success.  We were about to give up and Alex, who had been sitting in the corner of the store watching from afar, offers his searching abilities.

Within five minutes he found eight different bras in my size.  Of course, they were the leopard print with tons of padding that would make me look like Pamela Anderson, because, you know, he’s a guy, but my mom and I realized at that moment that Alex has a gift.

He has the gift of finding the right fucking sized bra.

So last week we walk into LB, and the two women at the front counter thought it was strange that I said to Alex “DO YOUR MAGIC!” and he began to search all of the bras and underwear for the right bra.

These women were confused as hell, and I explained the situation.

“He’s the Bra Guru.  I wear a weird size and no matter what, he can find the size in every style.  It’s a weird gift.”

A few minutes later he has found six bras, all leopard print or racy lace, and these women were astounded.

One of the women even commented that they didn’t even know that they carried that size for that bra.

When in the fitting room, obviously he had to go in with me to make sure that they fit, and every time I’d have it on, he’d conveniently unhook it with one hand and giggle like a school girl because… well… boobs.

Of the six, I found two that were perfect.  I figure two bras will last me for a while, so then I send Alex on a venture to find panties.

Naturally, he put his gift to the test and was rummaging through the panties, throwing all the lacy goodness my way.  You know, stuff a married woman would NEVER wear because I’ve rediscovered granny panties and their glorious comfort.

Image

You will never know such comfort

He found me some cute panties that were a compromise, and while at the counter, the women asked Alex if he wanted to work there to officially put his skill to good use.  He declined, stating that he hated his gift, and we were on our way.

So for any of you who visit me, if you have a weird bra size and need help finding a bra, I’ll send you off with Alex.  He will put his Bra Guru skills to the test.

Do you have problems finding clothes?  Do all of your clothes seem to rip and become unwearable overnight?  Do you have any funny stories of finding clothes?  Tell me in the comments!

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8 thoughts on “The Bra Guru

  1. I’m also one of those bigger girls with smallish boobs – my cup size is certainly a B or less – but if I get a “plus size” bra with a B cup – it’s cavernous! I think there is a conspiracy where manufacturers think that just because you are wide around, you must have humongous boobs to compensate. I might have to borrow Alex, because I’ve worn nothing but sports bras for years!

  2. To be fair though, I think every man on the planet has this weird habit of grabbing their girlfriends or wives boobs every chance they get.

    I don’t know about every man, but I’m certainly guilty. To be fair, Cimmy asks that I observe the old practice of kissing them out of respect (yes, really, apparently this is a thing). I told her recently that I do not understand the appeal of motorboating.

    More on topic with your post, I actually help Cimmy find clothes, although she goes to Catherine’s alone whenever my folks give her a gift card. She also found her last bra on her own… I think she has forsaken underwires for the time being (she is a *big* girl if y’know what I mean).

  3. Okay, so the same thing happens to me. To be honest, I have a very small wardrobe because I wear a uniform to work and hate clothes shopping. All my jeans will die the same week. All my underwear will somehow magically become so ratty, I’m embarrassed to know it’s under my clothes.

    And I hate bra shopping. I guess I have the opposite problem as you (also, nobody is touching my boobs unfortunately). But buying large bra sizes is the worst. They are expensive and ugly, like mom bras. I need to come visit and make your husband find me cute, sexy bras.

  4. I am always too shy to even go to that section,When she goes to that section I try to go find my size of inners ,and Hope then When I finish she would also have finished and I will get a surprise that night.

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