Going to The Gym: A Beginner’s Guide

Since it’s the new year, a lot of people will suddenly decide that they need to go to the gym to work off those extra holiday pounds.  I am one of these people, and so far, I’ve actually lost most of my holiday weight.  Huzzah!

But this is much easier said than done, and if you’re a heavier chap like myself, you may feel intimidated by the hot people talking about how hot they look in the mirror

It seems all the women at the gym look like this.

It seems all the women at the gym look like this.


But guess what?  Screw those people!  You’re trying to better yourself and they’re just being jerks!  Maybe.  I dunno, I’m usually a jerk to the jerks.

I go to the gym on a military base, which, as you can imagine, is tons and tons of fit people trying to be better and maintain their military standards, hell, that’s why the gym on base was built.

But for those of us get free access to the gym, who are not the pristine perfection of healthy, here’s a guide.


First and foremost, ignore the grunters.

I was at the gym the other day and I decided to go lift some weights.  I have wings and I really want Michelle Obama’s arms.

Hells. Yes.

Hells. Yes.

But this big muscly guy was sitting behind me doing a machine and I hear him going UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH! PFFFFFFF! AAAAAAAAGH!  While lifting weights.

Here are your options for dealing with this guy.

  1. Ignore him and keep doing your own thing
  2. Inform him that if he is lifting weights that are too heavy for him, he could get a hernia and he should lower the weights
  3. Tell him to knock it off so the rest of the people in there can work out in peace

Personally, I’d go for number two.  They are not expecting this.  This will probably catch the attention of everyone at the gym, and the dude will be so blown away at your audacity to tell him how to work out, he may just stop or tell you to shut the hell up.  Good thing he has weights that are far too heavy for him so you can make a somewhat quick getaway.


Secondly, enjoy the sights.

I love watching muscly people work out.  Mostly the boys.  Seeing grown men running gives me free entertainment.  They know you’re checking them out, and if they ask you to stop staring, just hold eye contact and say “nah, I’m good.”  I do this to my husband all the time and at first he told me to stop, and now he just stares back.

Enough said.

Enough said.


Thirdly, and finally, Don’t take any crap.

If you see those hot gym people snickering at you, go up to them and tell them that it’s okay to be jealous of you because you get to eat food and you have a soul.

Okay, that’s not fair.  They probably do eat.*

Mainly, what I’m saying, is that you need to own your self esteem and act like you’re a 40 year old woman— don’t care about what others think.  You’re there for you, and nobody else.  If you don’t want to go to the gym and sit at home, GOOD FOR YOU!  I’m totally with you.  The only reason I’m trying to lose weight is so I can eventually have kids.  But after the kids come out, I plan on eating cupcakes all day every day.  And donuts.  I love donuts.

Someone get me a donut.


Anyone have any awkward gym experiences?  Any advice for going to the gym when you’re nervous?  I want to hear your thoughts on the matter!


*I feel like I’m being a little harsh on people who go to the gym all the time.  I have a lot of friends who are very active gym goers and they go to the gym so they can eat whatever they want.  I have one friend who could eat ten plates at a buffet, and she’s a major gym goer because she wants to eat like that and keep her figure.  To those people, I salute you, I do not have that kind of dedication.  Also, they do have souls, just not the mean gym goers.  I’ve met nice hot girls who have given me advice at the gym and have been very nice, but I have also had meat heads snicker at me working out and then complain that fat people shouldn’t be allowed to use the base gym.  I’ve had both worlds, this post is mostly referring to the soulless jerks to ruin it for everyone else.

21 thoughts on “Going to The Gym: A Beginner’s Guide

  1. MFR, I love this! It’s like, each time you step into the gym, you walk in with your chin stuck out in challenge. I’m a fat broad, too. My insurance company pays a gym regularly so that I can go there, which I don’t because it’s like ten or twenty miles from home at least and also because I don’t want to take a chance at meeting some of the soulless gym bunnies. I’m not a wuss, I just don’t like getting confrontational with habitual gym-goers.

    • Dude you’re not fat! You just have an hourglasses figure 😉 At least that’s what I tell people.

      And I don’t usually go in with my chin up but I decided to just say SCREW THOSE PEOPLE and it’s a lot easier to go now. But after a half hour of running on the treadmill I was about ready to stab myself from how sore I was.

      So sore today. Kind of worth it.

      • Hah! I was going to say “assless chaps” but I thought that might be offensive. Then you went ahead and said it.

        I don’t have assless chaps but I do have leather pants. Pity I can’t fit into them anymore (especially since my sister altered them when I lost a bunch of weight).

        I play a British MMORPG, and so I run into British/Commonwealth slang all the time, but I can’t tell if “bloke” or “chap” is more preferred. I was of the understanding “chap” usually referred to the guys. My friends in the UK definitely know what I’m talking about if I say I’m an “unhappy chappy”.

      • Hey, if you wore assless chaps and ran, your ass would clap so loud you’d be proud of yourself for getting an applause whenever running.

        At least that’s what I tell myself when I run… My ass is applauding me when I run.

        Wear the assless chaps when the kids are at school and clean the house while wearing them, I’m sure Cimmy would love it 😉

    • Cimmy and I have been very fortunate to go to family-oriented gyms where people seemed to care more about our fitness goals. So many were REALLY supportive to me because tons of mine were just about rehab, recovery, and therapy generally for my back problems. I had people that were actually glad to see me back after my surgery 4 years ago.

      I’m round and so is Cimmy, but, I dunno, I know why I’m there and that just seems to be a stronger push for me.

  2. YEP. I was at the gym today (panting, dying, whining, bargaining) and then went to lay in the sauna for a bit (to add some sweat to my sweat) and when I came crawling out there was this perfect little barbie waltzing about in a thong. I wanted to shake her by the shoulders and be like “DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING TO THE REST OF US?!”
    I haven’t told anyone this. Not a soul. But when I changed from my work clothes to my gym clothes (while hiding in the shower like a proper human being) I totally put my workout capris on backwards. I didn’t notice until I was like “dude, why’s my crack hanging out?” And you know what? I’m still wearing them backwards as I type this. *boom*

    • Girl, next time you see that, go up to her and tell her you’re not into girls and you’re not interested in looking at her perfect body.  Seriously.  I did that once and she was like OMG IM SO SORRY!

      Sent from my Galaxy S®III

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