I’m Pretty Sure that Lane Bryant Doesn’t Realize Their Customer Base Is Curvy Women…

So ever since I can remember, I have had one hell of a time buying clothing.  I’ve always been heavy, and I’ve come to terms that my thighs are always going to touch, my ass is never going to properly fit into jeans, and flares will always fit like skinny jeans.  I have always been able to find a way to make this work until the entire skinny jean faze came through and refused to fucking go away.


Please keep in mind, I have nothing against skinny jeans.  They’re great for skinny people.  But if you’re not skinny, or say, not a stick, they don’t look good.  For me, my legs are huge and they have no shape.  My mom would always tell me my legs looked like sausages, and I can’t refute it because it’s true. 

So earlier this evening, I decided to go to the Louisiana Boardwalk, which is an outdoor mall on the Red River that has every possible store I could ever ask for.  And they’re all outlet stores so they’re really cheap too, which I love.  So I went into Lane Bryant to get some much needed articles of clothing, only to find that everything in the store was half off.

This never happens.

So I’m running through the store frantically looking for pants.  All that comes to mind is “If I can find two pairs of jeans, I’m good for the next six months.”

So I’m pulling pants off the shelves and off hangers, looking at the tags, hoping and praying that they have something that will work.

Apparently, Lane Bryant no longer carries pants for the curvy fat girls.  They only had skinny jeans and skinny boot cut, which are thinner cut legs for girls who are heavy with skinny legs.  This is so not me.  The curvy pants are usually snug on my legs, I can’t even get the skinny jeans on past my knees.

I go to a sales associate and ask her if they have any more curvy jeans in stock, to which she very politely tells me that they don’t carry them anymore.  And there might be some in the clearance.

So I totally and completely destroy the clearance section looking for curvy jeans.  They had been sold.  Or they were solid white, which is retarded.  Who wears white jeans?  Seriously?  That’s just asking for a stain.

Defeated, I decide that I shall never find curvy jeans again.  Hello Wal-mart and Torrid, hope you guys haven’t given up on me either.

That’s seriously all I have.

Oh, and I almost burned my house down burning sage to get rid of the ghost stealing my socks.  Long story short, my house smells like sage and the dogs are a lot more relaxed than they probably should be.

6 thoughts on “I’m Pretty Sure that Lane Bryant Doesn’t Realize Their Customer Base Is Curvy Women…

  1. Oh man, you should go burn some sage at Lane Bryant because clearly they have some ghoul stealing their sense of fashion and common sense.
    I have burned sage in my house once– after a NIGHTMARISH short romance that occurred after I dated the old stalker guy– I couldn’t believe how bad my luck was etc. etc. Well….. I burned sage, bought some plants to start a garden and literally met my boyfriend that same night. And he’s amazing. I totally credit the sage.

  2. This is going to seem like a comment totally out of left field, from someone you totally didn’t expect, but…

    Lane Bryant might still have these pants, but, probably not on the rack, but instead, by mail order.
    How do I know this? Because my wife and I are very, um, round, and we know that Lane Bryant does clothing in our sizes, with subsidiary little mail/online order companies– King Size and Women’s World, if I remember right.

    Even though I’m a guy, though, it really stinks when clothes don’t fit well. Even when I was relatively trim, pants still didn’t fit me right. Snug in the butt and baggy at the belly.

    • Nah that’s not out of left field at all. My issue is is that they should have them on the rack because whenever I mail order pants, they fit totally wrong and then I just sit in a corner and cry because NOTHING EVER FITS RIGHT!

      It’s just frustrating is all.

      • Totally understandable! I fully admit that I prefer to shop brick and mortar (when I can) for that reason.

        Even then, I still run into clothes and such that don’t fit as they should. Shoes right now is the worst (wide sizes not really being wide). And vanity sizing has crept into men’s clothing, too. So, I definitely hear you.

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